Dotty Parker

tinitus: a ringing in my ears

Happy holidays, darlings. I do love the holidays. I love holiday movies. I love holiday cheer. I love holiday wassail. I love holiday get togethers. I love the holiday feeling of charity.

That feeling of charity, ahhhhhhh. So lovely. Have you considered the sound of charity? If I attempt that thought right now, it would sound like a sigh, gentle and soft and sweet. A thanking kind of sigh. A sigh of longing and gratitude all at once.

Before you vomit, however, by the saccharine nature of the last two paragraphs, I will bring you the real life sound of charity. It sounds like ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ding-a-ling-ding-ling-a-ling-a-ling

That's right boys and girls! It's time for the Salvation Army Red Kettle Drive! Red Kettle Drive me out of my mind.

In the grocery store today there was not a single place where I could not and did not hear the bell. At the drug store, it was quiet at the back, but the closer I crept to the front, the closer I crept to the cold remedies and such, the louder and sharper and more piercing did that infernal ringing become! I said "Merry Christmas" to the evil bell ringer on the way out and she said nothing to me. NOTHING!

When I was younger, my mom suggested that maybe I was too easily distracted by things, especially noises. I didn't think so at that time, but now I buy into it pretty thoroughly.

PTAMom indicated that there was some kind of therapy used in Japan to help people who were easily distracted. Apparently, Japanese students would be doing their homework while wearing headphones. At random intervals, a loud-ish "beep" or honk or something would sound in their headphones. The idea was that you'd get used to being interrupted and could continue with your work without losing focus.

In my world, depending on the day, that could be incredibly funny or it could make me stand on my little beep-therapy desk and scream, "Dude! What the hell is wrong with you? Is it better for me to have you playing random, Skinnerian tones into my ears than to have me reading on my own and daydreaming a bit. Or a lot. Or only daydreaming? You'd annoy and distract me if you were invisible and silent. That's how annoying and distracting you are. Piss off Beep-People!"

I think the Salvation Army heard my complaints.

They decided to change the random Skinnerian tones to the constant jangling of people who flip their keys around their fingers for chunks of fifteen minutes and to the ear skewering jingle of their screwed up little bell.

I think they're hoping that I'll pay them off to stop ringing for a while.

Posted by dotty at December 15, 2003 08:20 PM