That's an excited statement. It's meant to typify my family's preoccupation with, well, poo.
BrilliantEditor and I were talking and I was, of course, telling a story about something. That story led to another story which was about my father, Dr.Dad.
Dr.Dad has a thousand and nine fascinating and disgusting stories that he's gathered up over the years. Some of them are gross and funny only in a morbid sort of way. He doesn't really tell those very often.
Then there are the stories that are funny, but in a way that makes the person who is the victim of the joke and the bizarre malady to be tragic.
We can't have that. No way. What we (that's me and my family) tend to look for are the people who have a medical problem that is no less serious than another person's, but something about it makes it absolutely absurd.
Don't believe me? Oh, here's an example.
Dr.Dad had to testify in court when a woman was accused of hurting someone while in a bar fight. The woman said that she was hurt, too, and she was blind in one eye! The other person blinded her! With a knife! She was poked right on the side of her eye with a knife!
Tragic, you say. Morbid, you say. Just you wait and see, I say.
Dr.Dad had examined her that night when she was stabbed in the face. He cleaned it up and said that it would be "tender" (he uses that word whenever something is going to hurt and there's nothing you can do about it). In the end it needed a band aid. But it was near her eye. It's good to be careful.
He followed up with her later and she said she couldn't see out of her right eye. Dr.Dad looked in her eye, shined a light in her eye, and did what I call the "poke test".
Well! Looking in her eye showed that it looked the way it should. Shining a light in her eye made her pupil dilate and her forehead crinkle a little. When he did the "poke test", [he moves his hand from outside of her peripheral vision and moves his hand in front of her eye (if you try it, it gives the impression of having someone slap you in the face. Go on. Try it out.)] she squished her eye shut.
Why did she squish her eye shut? Because it looked like my dad was going to slap her in the face. But how could she know that if she was blind in one eye? Unless, of course, he'd done the poke test on the wrong eye. But he didn't, because he pretended to slap both cheeks. Like Jesus. Turning the other cheek. Oh! And giving sight to the blind.
Remember my father in your prayers tonight, children.
So when he got to court and the attorney asked if she was blind, my father couldn't say no. He said that there was no organic source for her blindness. Maybe it was hysterical blindness, suggested the defense attorney. I imagine that my father shifted in his chair a little and said, "Could be." He probably didn't.
The prosecuting attorney had some fun: Did MissDopey follow up with you for care? "She did." What was the interaction?
"MissDopey told me that she was blind in the eye where she was stabbed. On tests where she verbally responded to my questions, her responses were largely consistent with blindness. Upon performing tests of her involuntary reflexes, however, she responded in a way that was consistent with her having sight.
"I examined her eye for damage to blood vessels, problems with pressure within the globe of her eye, corneal damage and could find nothing wrong."
So Dr.Dad, are you doubting the veracity of MissDopey's assertion that she is blind in one eye?
"I can find no organic source for blindness in MissDopey."
In your experience, is a wound like this likely to cause blindness?
"I have not seen this specific wound before, but in cases like it, no. I have never seen this kind of wound cause blindness."
If MissDopey continues to claim that she is blind in her right eye, how would you treat her?
"I can find no organic source for her blindness. I would not treat her for blindness."
Just to be clear, in your opinion, can you find any medical evidence that MissDopey is, in fact, blind in her right eye?
"I can find no evidence of blindness."
Thank you, Dr.Dad.
Dr.Dad told me that he got really tired of saying the same thing over and over. He wanted to just say that this skanky bitch who got stabbed in a bar room brawl was a liar and that both people should get out of the courtroom and do something productive.
It still makes me laugh. I can imagine her with bleached blond hair and a soft belly like mine, but hanging out of her too-tight t-shirt printed with a cigarette brand printed on it (I don't look like that part). She'd be smoking if it were allowed in court.
The story I told BrilliantEditor today, however, was one that is only tangentially medical. But it does have a connection to the poo! title.
Dr.Dad and I were walking through a big supermarket when a woman walked by. We heard someone fart, which always make us both laugh or get very embarrassed or both. Of course, this is a story about my family, so we'll get detailed now. It was extra stinky. Like if we'd been in the produce section the African violets would have wilted stinky.
Dr.Dad and I skedaddled out of there. As we walked away he said, "I bet that lady's got problems with constipation. Smells like she just vaporizes it all."
Oh! Poo! The stories that bring families together.
Ewwwwww.
Posted by dotty at January 6, 2004 08:04 PM