Dotty Parker

do you feel a draft?

I'm listening to Democracy Now! on NPR. Ms. Amy Goodman notified me that bringing back the draft is a distinct possibility.

Bringing back the draft? What the hell is going on around here? This is the damned Twilight Zone. I thought all the young men were already gone. It seems like a lot of them are gone. At least I hear about them being gone.

BellyRub will be turning 26 at the end of May. I think that means that he's in the clear. I think it means that he's too old to be drafted. If it doesn't mean that, as we're living in the Twilight Zone it could mean anything, then I need to find a way to keep him from being sent to assures Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To reassure any folks with doubts as to the veracity of my claim about the draft, I will include the following quotation from the Selective Service website:

Notwithstanding recent stories in the news media and on the Internet, Selective Service is not getting ready to conduct a draft for the U.S. Armed Forces -- either with a special skills or regular draft. Rather, the Agency remains prepared to manage a draft if and when the President and the Congress so direct. This responsibility has been ongoing since 1980 and is nothing new. Further, both the President and the Secretary of Defense have stated on more than one occasion that there is no need for a draft for the War on Terrorism or any likely contingency, such as Iraq. Additionally, the Congress has not acted on any proposed legislation to reinstate a draft. Therefore, Selective Service continues to refine its plans to be prepared as is required by law, and to register young men who are ages 18 through 25.

The bold type is my added emphasis. Indeed, a likely contingency, such as Iraq.

The more I look for information, the less information I can find. Two senators introduced a bill to reintroduce the draft back in January. Other info says that the Selective Service is shooting for June 2005. Still more information indicates that everything's ready, they just need to turn the key.

Whatever the story is, I still think it's important to get the defense mechanisms into place. (ha ha, I suppose that's a little joke, defense...)

So here are my suggestions for getting out of the draft:

when you're at the recruiter's office
twitch a lot
lick the desk
hum quietly to yourself
limp
wear girl's underwear or very small underoos, preferably with Scooby Doo on them
bring your pets
keep cheese in your pocket; offer it to the man behind the desk
talk about the radio; ask what stations are their favorites

I suspect that the recruiters have seen these tricks before. So here's what I advise trying:

Find a doctor to diagnose you with a sleeping disorder.
You could, as is the old favorite, shoot yourself in the foot.
Go to a therapist and a psychiatrist. If you can't convince them that you aren't at least a little bit depressed, maybe you can get some medication for a slightly low or high thyroid.
Find a pascifist doctor. Tell him or her that you need a diagnosis to keep you out of war.
Become a Quaker. Become devout as quickly as you can.
Secede from the United States--be your own country.
Renounce your citizenship. Go to Canada or Mexico and get citizenship there.
Move away, and fast, once you get your letter.
Change your address, but don't move.
Become a conscientious objector or pascifist. Get your evidence together to "prove" it.
Take drugs that have evidence last a long time in your body. Be sure to get rid of the stuff before you go to have your drug test. Give it to someone else so that you don't have it in your possession but you do have access in case you have to go back to get retested.

If there are more tricks, perhaps that are better than these, I do suggest submitting them so I can be a clearinghouse of information.

Posted by dotty at April 21, 2004 10:52 AM